"If you have a problem, if no one else will host your shit, and if you don't mind our low standards... maybe you can hire ZeroOne."

Located in beautiful Kelso, WA (near Mount St. Helens - because we like living dangerously)

99.9% Uptime* *Three nines are enough, right?
1 Garage Datacenter Court-mandated excellence!
∞ Taco Bell Fuel For optimal performance
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Our 'Professional' Datacenter

Our "Premium" Services

🔌

Garage-Grade Infrastructure

Our entire datacenter runs on promotional pens and hope. We've achieved the impossible: making servers run on pure determination and occasional percussive maintenance.

🔄

Reboot-Happy Support

Need vim installed? We'll just reboot the entire rack! It's our signature move. Why troubleshoot when you can just turn it off and on again... and again... and again?

⚡

Electric Hyundai Kona Powered

Our backup power comes from our trusty Electric Hyundai Kona. When the power goes out, we just park next to the servers and pray the battery lasts.

🌋

Mount St. Helens Adjacent

Located strategically near an active volcano because we believe in living on the edge. If it was good enough for the underground cabling contractors, it's good enough for us!

⚾

Cowlitz Black Bears Endorsed*

*Endorsement pending. We bought season tickets, so we're basically part of the team. Our uptime is about as reliable as their batting average.

🌮

Taco Bell Fueled Operations

Our entire staff runs on a strict Taco Bell diet. The methane emissions help power our generators, creating a truly sustainable (and aromatic) hosting environment.

Hosting Packages

Choose your level of disappointment!

The "Oops" Plan

$2.99/month
  • 100MB Storage (on a USB stick)
  • 10GB Bandwidth (when we remember to pay the internet bill)
  • 99% Uptime (the other 1% is bathroom breaks)
  • Email Support (via carrier pigeon)
  • Shared IP with 47 other disappointed customers
Choose Disappointment

The "At Least We Tried" Plan

$9.99/month
Most Regretted!
  • 1GB Storage (on a slightly newer USB stick)
  • 100GB Bandwidth (powered by our Kona's battery)
  • 99.5% Uptime (we hired a part-time intern)
  • Phone Support (if we can find the phone)
  • Dedicated IP (shared with only 12 other customers)
  • SSL Certificate (expires randomly)
Upgrade Your Regret

The "Garage Premium" Plan

$24.99/month
  • 10GB Storage (on our CEO's personal laptop)
  • Unlimited* Bandwidth (*until our neighbors complain)
  • 99.9% Uptime (we bought a UPS from Costco)
  • 24/7 Support (when we're not at Taco Bell)
  • Actually dedicated IP
  • Free domain (expired ones only)
  • Priority queue for server reboots
Go Full Garage

What Our Customers Say

(The ones who still talk to us)

"My website was down for 3 days, but hey, I only paid $2.99! You get what you pay for. The customer service rep answered the phone while clearly eating Taco Bell."

Mike, Small Business Owner ⭐⭐ (2/5 stars)

"They rebooted the entire server rack to install a text editor. TWICE. But honestly, their transparency about being terrible is refreshing."

Sarah, Blogger ⭐⭐⭐ (3/5 stars)

"The datacenter is literally in a garage. I thought it was a joke. It's not. But my WordPress site loads... eventually."

Dave, Web Developer ⭐⭐ (2/5 stars)

"When Mount St. Helens rumbled last month, their servers actually performed BETTER. I think seismic activity improves their connection somehow."

Jenny, Online Store Owner ⭐⭐⭐⭐ (4/5 stars)

"When I asked about the 30‑day money‑back guarantee, they sent me a punch card for free chalupas. I’m oddly satisfied."

Chris, Entrepreneur ⭐⭐⭐⭐ (4/5 stars)

"Their CEO answered my support call while they were having an on-site customer engagement day event where he had them installing raised panel flooring in the datacenter."

Raj, Hobbyist Coder ⭐⭐ (2/5 stars)

Our "Professional" Story

ZeroOne Hosting was founded when our CEO was sentenced by the local judge to "do something useful with that garage instead of just storing junk." What started as community service became a questionable business venture.

After working as underground cabling contractors near Mount St. Helens (which explains our relaxed attitude toward danger), we decided to pivot into hosting. We figured if we could run cables under an active volcano, how hard could running servers in a garage be?

Our headquarters is a converted garage in Kelso, WA, where we maintain our servers with the same care we use for our collection of Cowlitz Black Bears memorabilia. Our backup power system consists of our Electric Hyundai Kona and a lot of hope.

We believe in honesty, which is why we openly admit our servers are held together with promotional pens and optimism. But hey, at least we're cheap!

Our State-of-the-Art Garage Facility

Our "Enterprise-Grade" Datacenter

Get in Touch

Ready to lower your hosting standards?

Contact Information

Address: 123 Garage Lane, Kelso, WA 98626
(Yes, it's literally a garage)
Phone: (360) 555-ZERO (9376)
Available when we're not at Taco Bell
Email: help@zeroone-hosting.com
Response time: 1-7 business days (or when we remember to check)
Hours: 9 AM - 5 PM (PST)
*Closed during Cowlitz Black Bears home games

Our "Guarantees"

  • ✓ We'll try our best (most of the time)
  • ✓ Servers will be running (probably)
  • ✓ Support will eventually respond (when we're bored)
  • ✓ Uptime better than a coin flip (usually)
  • ✓ No hidden fees (just obvious disappointment)
  • ✓ 30-day money-back guarantee*

*Guarantee void during volcanic activity, baseball season, or when we're installing vim

Ready to Join the ZeroOne Family?

Sign up now and become part of our growing community of satisfied* customers!

*Results may vary. "Satisfied" is a relative term.

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